Is It Possible That He Will Come Back

By: Nicola Kirkpatrick

Updated December 21, 2020

Medically Reviewed By: Ema Jones, LCSW

Do exes come back? You receive a lot of mixed messages when you begin wondering about your chances of getting back with your ex. Depending on your age, the type of situation you are in or your marital status, your chances of getting back together run from ten to sixty-five percent.

Wondering If Your Ex Coming Back Is Wishful Thinking?

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How do you know if your ex will come back?

Breakups can be difficult and confusing times. After all of the time and energy that you put into getting to know someone, seeing it all fall apart can be devastating. The fact that the other person is also going through this makes the experience more difficult to navigate. As you decide what to do to move forward, it's only natural that you might debate going backward instead. That may or may not be the best thing for you and your ex.

Love at Different Ages

Your age doesn't tell who you are but there are some trends and big signs that might explain your specific situation based on your stage of life. Teenagers often make and break the deal several times before actually deciding on a long-term relationship. Teenage impulses are strong and those pheromones are pumping 24/7. If you're between the ages of seventeen and twenty-four, you have a 44% chance of getting back together with your ex. This may sound - and feel - pretty chaotic, but it's a natural part of understanding the person that you're going to be and the kind of relationship that you want to have.

College students are the most likely to return to their partners, even if their relationship has not yet been formally documented through marriage. They tend to take their studies seriously and commit themselves to a long-term career. This tendency reflects in the way they commit themselves to their relationships. If you've been in a long-term relationship with a college student or a graduate, you have a 65% chance of getting back together if the relationship ends. This process is also easier on older young adults who have a better idea of who they are and what they want from life and love, and who are in a period of physical development in which their hormones and moods are more stable, making it easier for them to make more sustainable decisions.

If you are a late baby boomer, your chances of reconciliation don't appear too good. Baby boomers continue to have the highest rates of divorce with very little chance of the couple getting back together . This doesn't really mean that younger people have quit divorcing, however. It only means the baby boomers have been around long enough to record a pattern of their behaviors and arrive at statistics.

On a more hopeful note, statistics also state that more people who married in the 1990s celebrated their fifteenth year of marriage than those who married in the 1970s and 1980s. If you're in your thirties or forties, you've got a fifty-fifty chance of your ex coming back.

Is Getting Back Together a Good Thing? How Do You Know if Your Ex Will Come Back?

It can be. All relationships are different. Sometimes, things in a relationship can go sour because of unpredictable, one-off problems or misunderstandings. If one of these blindsided your otherwise healthy relationship, putting it back together is probably a good thing.

On the other hand, some relationships end because the people were incompatible and the relationship was never really going to work out. Dead ringers for relationships like this are any kind of abuse. If the relationship ends because one of you was in danger, you should let it end and move on - as hard as that may seem.

Still, it can be hard to know whether the relationship is worth revisiting or not, especially in the complicated time just following a breakup. The following sections will provide questions and prompts that should help you decide whether or not to revisit your relationship with your ex.

Was it Love or Something Else? How To Tell The Difference

Rocky relationships that eventually dissolve usually have a serious underlying issue - big signs could be abusive behavior, poor communication skills or something else. Unless you feel fully equipped to handle the stress and the guidance counseling necessary for seeing your way clear to a healthy-ever-after, you may feel it's better off for everyone involved to just let the relationship go.

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This is more easily said than done. You've invested your emotions into the relationship and you've become comfortable with certain routines. You look forward to particular occasions. In trying to understand what went wrong, you might face some uncomfortable truths both about yourself and about your significant other; but coming to terms with these truths is exactly what you need to make the relationship work.

Was it me, the other person, or a combination?

We often hear it noted that "all relationships are 50/50." That is typically interpreted to mean that both the health and dysfunction in any given relationship should be equally attributed to both partners. While this seems reasonable on the surface, it's not necessarily accurate. While it is absolutely true that every strong, permanent, relationship is dependent upon both partners contributing to the health and well-being of the union, it is definitely possible for one individual to lead any relationship into destruction, despite the health, commitment, devotion, or persistence of the other person. One person's repeated infidelity, addiction(s), or any other individual issues, can make remaining in a relationship difficult, if not impossible. So if you find yourself in a broken relationship, it can be wise, healthy, and appropriate to take some time to evaluate whether there are changes you wish to make to better serve the relationship, or whether this is a time in which you should be thankful an unhealthy relationship has ended.

Of course, it is always very wise to be willing to consider anything and everything about yourself you might be able to change, improve, develop, mature, or otherwise grow to be the best version of yourself. We all have room for some personal growth. Since you really only have control over yourself, it's also most productive to focus your attention and efforts on yourself, at least initially. You're unlikely to regret spending time and effort in personal development, especially in terms of relational health, since we all long for some type of meaningful human interaction. So choose to learn as much as you can from this most recent relationship (and all your past relationships, for that matter). Some of the questions you might find helpful in this regard are:

• What are the most positive attributes I contributed to this relationship?
• What could I have done differently (or better, with greater maturity, less selfishly, that might have served the best interests of the relationship) that might have made a positive difference in this relationship?
• What have I learned through this relationship? What have I learned about myself; about my partner; about relationships, in general?

Sometimes, the primary issues in a relationship are more about the other person. Even though you have no ability to directly control, or change, such characteristics, it can still be very helpful for you to be aware of them. Gaining a more complete and accurate understanding of such aspects of the other person may help you better accept that the ending of this relationship may actually be in your best interest. It can also help you to avoid getting involved with someone with similar traits in the future.

Or, if you do have the opportunity to get back together, you have the ability to amend your own expectations of the other person, keeping in mind what you learned from the past, so you are less disappointed and frustrated by dynamics you cannot control. Most important is your willingness to accept what you cannot change, or to choose to not re-enter a relationship. It can be very disappointing, and "crazy-making," to focus on things you simply cannot control or change. To this end, you may find questions such as these to be informative:

• What did my partner contribute to our relationship (both positive and negative)?
• Knowing what I know now, would I choose this person again?
• What do I wish was different, and the other person, myself, or about the dynamics between the two of us?
• Are we really a good fit for each other?

This may be an excellent time for you to review what is most important to you in a serious relationship. You may want to create a "non-negotiable list for prospective dating partners." This is a way for you to consider those characteristics which are mandatory for you, one way or the other, in any long-term, or permanent, relationship. It's to your benefit to be clear about such parameters before entering, or re-entering, a dating-specific situation, since it's possible for us to fall in love with virtually anyone, whether they happen to be a good fit for us, long-term, or not. So what are those qualities that you MUST have in your partner? Must she have a great sense of humor? Must he be an outdoors person? Must she share your faith? Similarly, be honest with yourself now, about anything that is a deal-breaker for you. What about smoking, drinking, gambling, cursing? Do yourself a huge favor and rule out anyone who does not meet your foundational criteria. This is most respectful to both you and your future dating partners.

Wondering If Your Ex Coming Back Is Wishful Thinking?

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Whether a break up is causing you more emotional trauma than you know how to deal with or you simply want some help learning about yourself before getting back into dating, a professional can help you. Have you considered counseling or therapy? It can be expensive and inconvenient, especially if you don't think that you have a serious problem like depression.

However, online counseling is convenient and affordable. It may sound strange because most of us are more familiar with in-person counseling, but online counseling comes with the added benefit of being able to seek help whenever you need it, even from the comfort of your own home. Below you can read some reviews of BetterHelp counselors from people who have been helped with similar issues.

Counselor Reviews

"I've tried other counselors that I liked but didn't seem right for me but Margaret has been amazing! I love her honesty, compassion, and realness! It was really easy to open up to her and she's helped me get through a very tough breakup that nobody else could seem to get me through. I would recommend her to anyone! She makes it so comfortable to talk to her as if you've known her for forever!"

"I've never been to therapy and so was really hesitant about opening up at first. But Whitney has just been so great! I signed up for BetterHelp because I was going through a breakup with problems I knew stemmed from problems with myself. I knew I felt unhappy in my relationship but could not for certain say why. Therapy with Whitney has been so great in helping me become more self aware and reflective. And, of course, the break up was hard at first. But every day, with Whitney, I was able to feel a little bit better than the day before."

Moving On

Recovering from a breakup can mean a lot of different things, but the goal should always be to move on healthily and productively - whatever that means for you. Hopefully, this article has helped you sort out some of those confusing feelings and has given you some ideas for where to go next. When in doubt, reach out to a professional. Progress is possible.

• What is are some big signs your ex doesn't want you back?

Thoughts on whether exes ever come back or my ex wants me back across our minds several times after a breakup. The best and most efficient way to get an answer to that question is to ask your ex directly. You should set up a meet for a discussion. You should freely tell your ex how you feel about the breakup, the problems you two-faced, and the relationship. Sometimes, an ex might want the relationship back, but sometimes, they might not. In situations like this, you should accept that your ex has moved on and tried to move on. For the entire process, you might need a friend who will have your back throughout.

• Do guys hurt after a breakup?

Guys do hurt after a breakup. This is if guys were in a committed relationship. When they are looked at from the outside, it sometimes doesn't feel like guys hurt. This can be especially true if they have friends who drag them out and make them have fun. Regardless of this, guys do feel hurt, and sometimes, the hurt can run very deeply.

• Does the dumper hurt?

Depending on the situation, the person ending the relationship might be just as hurt by the ending of the relationship. Some types of exes who are very deeply emotional might even hurt more. Some other types of exes, however, will not get bothered. Several factors determine why this is so. For example, the person who ends the relationship might have had time to grieve before the relationship ends; they might have moved on or started another relationship. Most people still hurt after a relationship has ended even if they ended it themselves.

• How do you let go of someone you love?

Letting go of someone who is a big part of your life is not a very easy thing to do. It is, however, very necessary sometimes. To let go of someone you love, you need to be sure why you are doing it. Once you are sure of your reasons and are sure they can't be negotiated, you should sit down the loved one and explain how you came to your conclusion, what you are going to do and how you plan to do it. Once this is done, you take the steps you have planned and don't look back. This is easier said than done, however, and you might the help of a good friend, or another loved one to get you through this. You could also talk to a therapist before you make any move.

• How do you deal with an ex who won't let go?

Dealing with an ex that wouldn't let go can be very painful, heartbreak, and tiresome. The best way to go about it is, however, gentle dialogue. Bursts of anger will only make one feel worse. One' ex needs to be invited to dialogue and the fact that one has moved on and doesn't want to get back together be gently explained most calmly and maturely. Any pleas or reactions to the contrary should be handled with gentleness and firmness. You might need the help of a good friend or a therapist to carry out the whole process. If your ex begins to go too far, for example, stalking, threatening, or harming you, your friends, family, or pet, it might be time to involve the police.

• What percentage of exes come back?

You're probably wondering, "do exes come back?" If they do, what percentage? Relationships break for several reasons. However, the average percentage of partners go back into a relationship even after a breakup. 29% of people go back to their exes. Some people win their exes back while others get back into the relationship to break up again. The most common reasons why committed relationships break are due to arguments, communication issues, appreciation, infidelity, long-distance, finances, and also traumas. Exes may come back when they feel a need for your attention and companion again.

• Do guys miss their ex after a breakup?

Understandably, gender is a tricky game. Some people believe that the girls miss their ex after a breakup, and guys do not. However, guys do miss their exes after a breakup. Typically, this starts to get obvious when the guy is in a state of suffering or pain. What that state does to him is that it brings memories of the better times. Usually, he starts to recollect the moments he had with his ex. Most guys that were in a committed relationship decide not to talk to anyone about missing their exes.

• How do I show my ex I don't care anymore?

Most people in committed relationships tend to make different promises. On some occasions, only one party cares about that promise. For instance, a partner might promise never to leave, and might have his or her heartbroken. Promises might give the other partner something to look forward to; sometimes, it leads to clinginess even after a breakup. Showing an ex, you don't care anymore is a sign to them to stop trying to get back. Sometimes it's also a sign to tell them you have moved on. Whichever it may be, you can do that effectively by simply not caring. If you ever call your ex, call them just to have a decent conversation. If things ever get messy, make an excuse to leave that situation. You may also pay them compliments, to show that you don't care.

• How do you make guys regret losing you?

To make a guy regret losing you, you need to give him good reasons to miss you. When he misses you, he will keep thinking about you. Typically, he might take steps like trying to get you back by asking for a hangout. When he does this, only give him a little bit of your time. The smaller the time you give your ex, the more he starts craving you. This principle is what makes most guys regret losing their ex. Suddenly, he doesn't feel the way he felt during the breakup. There are different types of exes; however, don't worry, this principle works.

• How do you turn cold after a breakup?

Turning cold is similar to just not caring. However, this is a little on the extreme. Turning cold after a break up might have your ex thinking about reasons exes stop caring. There are different techniques to pull this off. First, you need to stop thinking about your ex. Overthinking might make you make bad choices when trying to act cold. For instance, you could start to rethink the choices you want to make. A major way to turn cold is by seeing your ex differently. When you see your ex differently, you might go as far as regretting ever getting into a relationship with him or her.

• What does silence do to a man?

Silence in relationships is known as silence treatment. Usually, a partner does this to regain control over the other party. Unfortunately, silent treatments don't make most men get in line with your wants. On the other hand, what silent treatment does is stop you from finding real solutions to your problems. Ultimately, this can break a committed relationship because a relationship is all about communication.

• How Do You Know If An Ex Will Come Back?

There are different factors that can be responsible for the separation of two individuals who are in a romantic relationship. It may be because of infidelity, long-distance relationship, arguments, communication issues, appreciation, and finances. Partners may decide to go to their separate ways, but sometimes they do come back together after working through their negative emotions. Sometimes, couple therapy may also be engaged if there is a need for it.

There are big signs you can watch for that indicate that your ex will come back. These signs include:

• Your Ex makes Serious Efforts to Stay Close to You: When your ex maintain some form of communication such as texting and calling, propose hanging out, and still see you as someone they can still confide in, it's a green light that such a person will come back.
• Your Ex brings up Happy Memories: This is done purposely to make you feel nostalgic. They bring up past and the good times you spent before the relationship ended.
• Your Ex makes a good impression on Social Media: Your ex comments on your posts and likes them a lot. Such an act will look like such a person is stalking you.
• Your Ex is keenly interested in knowing if you're in a new relationship: They ask if you're dating a new person already to know if they still have a chance of coming back or if they can still win back your heart.
• Your Ex Makes You Know That there have been Changes: They try to communicate to you that they have become a new person. They also give signs that that show that they are ready for a long term relationship and ready to be in good terms with you.
• Your Ex Asks About You From Your Mutual Friends: You will know this when you are told by your friends. Such a person will check on you through your best friend to know if you are in a new relationship
• Your Ex gets Close to Your Family: Your ex intends to get to you by getting close to your family and makes apparent effort to get close to them so as to know somethings about you or gain your attention

• How Do I Accept Him Not Coming Back?

Being in love comes with a strong pleasant sensation that you may wish that it lasts forever. Life and love are full of ups and downs. Your relationship may end and leave you heartbroken. Within a couple of weeks or months of the post-breakup phase, you may have a strong desire that you have a good relationship back. It's important to know that your boyfriend may or may not return. So, how do you accept that he will not be coming back after your boyfriend left you?

• He doesn't want to communicate with you: When he avoids every form of communication such as texting and calling, it may imply that he's don't with you. He may even try to delete your number from his contact list, change his number, or block you on getting in touch with him on social media.
• He returns all your stuff back to you: Several couples usually don't this step because they assume that If they're still in the possession of their partner's stuff, it may bring them back together. So, if he gives back something that belongs to you, it implies that he is done with the relationship.
• He doesn't get close to your family members and friends: Getting close to your family and friends is an obvious sign that he's still interested in something related to you which may bring you together eventually. However, if he decides to cut all ties with people you are close to, it means he's not coming back.
• He doesn't feel jealous when he sees you with someone else: Many people tend to get jealous of seeing someone they deeply love with someone else. If he doesn't show any sign of jealousy or mind that you go into someone else's arms, then you should accept him not coming back.
• He disregards your signals that are flirty: If his heart is still with you he will respond to some of your acts especially the flirty ones. You may dress to look very attractive so that he can be reminded of the good thing he's lost. However, if he doesn't respond to the signals, it may imply that he's not coming back.
• He doesn't make any effort to come back: If he doesn't show any obvious effort to get you back or fight for the love he's left behind by chasing you to win your heart back, it implies that he's done with the relationship. If he's thinking of you, he will strive to get you back.
• He's found a new person: That he is with a new person is an obvious sign that you are already in his past. That he goes into a relationship with a new girlfriend means that his emotion has shifted from you to someone else.

• What Do I Do If My Ex Doesn't Contact Me Again?

Everyone has the right to set contact rules which govern who they talk with, when, how, and how often. When partners separate, sometimes, it may be for real reasons which maybe because they didn't feel any connection or didn't see a future in the relationship. After separation, it may be normal when some people refuse to talk to or contact their partner. This may be because they are moved by negative emotions. No contact in this sense means no talking or attempt to contact under no circumstances. In other words, no contact rule is having absolutely no form of contact with your ex after a breakup with respect to:

• No calling
• No emailing
• No meeting
• No talking
• No texting
• No letters
• No initiating of/responding to calls, texts, or emails
• So, what do you do if your ex doesn't contact you again?
  • Find Happiness from where you can get: Stay strong and don't live a worried life if your ex doesn't contact you again. Take advantage of the situation by using it to get over your ex and find happiness and purpose in life. This will make you open to a new person.
  • Get a life for yourself: Use the period of no contact to improve your life by working diligently towards personal growth. It's important to understand that worrying may affect your mental health. Why will you then make something that may never work out again affect your health when there are things you can do to improve it? Stay strong and engage in activities that can distract you from thinking about getting a call from such a person. If you, however, find it difficult to get over it, find a therapist, or join a support group that can be of help.

• How Long Does It Take for an Ex to Come Back?

What will determine how long it will take for your ex to come back is how you handle the situation. You may ask yourself, "How do you know if your ex will come back?" An important question to ask here is, "Are you obsessed about your partner." It may stay longer if you are obsessive. What will make it short if there is any probability that he will be coming back is if you focus on you.

A good reason exes return after a breakup is that they seek validation and attention from the partners they left. They mostly show up when you start moving. If you stay where they left you, it might take time before they come around. Try to work on yourself to be a new person entirely.

To go by a specific time, it can be said that it may take a few months or over a year depending on the situation. Your ex may come back after realizing that you now a new version of yourself or didn't feel the comfort of a good relationship with the new person.

It may not take a long time for your ex to return when you work towards abundant mentality and personal growth. So, stay strong, find happiness, and be attractive. It won't take long if there is a possibility that your ex will return.

• Will My Ex Ever Regret Leaving Me?

It's very hard to find out if your ex will ever regret leaving you, although there's a possibility in it at some point. A lot of people sometimes regret leaving their partners, but this will be because of some reasons which can not be specifically stated. People's feelings and motives are hard to be predicted or figured out respectively. You can never tell if they miss you even for a single day after leaving you. So, what's the stress?

• It's normal to think that about your ex regretting having left. But that shouldn't be your focus. You should concentrate on how to improve your life and to be attractive. This will help you heal by giving you the courage to forgo past occurrences and live in peace. Your ex may regret leaving you after discovering that you are living a better and enviable life.

• Is online marriage counseling effective?

Nothing is for certain with love and marriage. However, marriage counseling can help you pay attention to the most important aspects of the relationships between men and women. By focusing on the important things, it's easier to tackle the smaller things and counseling can be a good way to get both of you back on good terms again. When couples reunite, it's a good idea to continue couples counseling for a time afterward to ensure that bad habits don't return.

Social media sometimes causes problems in relationships. If that's the case, your counselor may recommend that both of you have a no contact rule with it for a time. If one partner or the other isn't willing to comply, it's a sign that they may not be committed strongly enough to the relationship.

• How much does online marriage counseling cost?

Marriage counseling doesn't have to cost a lot. A lot of people find that if they pay attention and shop around a bit, they can get rates starting as low as about $35 per hour.

• How can I get free couples counseling?

It's possible that your insurance company will pay for your sessions, so that's a good place to start. You might also check with your local mental health department to see if they have any free counseling programs that you might qualify for.

• How do you do couples therapy at home?

There are a couple of ways to do couples therapy at home. Some counselors are willing to come into a couple's home and participate in therapy in surroundings that make them feel comfortable. Another way of doing couples therapy at home is by doing online therapy. Couples can remain home and participate in therapy via videoconference or teleconference with their therapist.

• What's the number one reason for divorce?

According to this study, the most common reason for divorce between men and women was infidelity. The number two reason was domestic violence, and the number three reason was substance abuse. A big sign that your relationship might be headed for divorce is if one partner or the other has been unfaithful. If you're looking for signs of being able to save your marriage, a counselor can help greatly.

• What should I not tell a marriage counselor?

In the early stages of counseling, there's a period of getting acquainted with your marriage counselor. As with any new relationship, it takes a bit of time to build trust. Your marriage counselor will have lots of questions about you and your spouse. To get the maximum benefit from your counseling, it's important to be honest and open so you can get to the root of your problems.

A counselor can be very helpful if one partner or the other is dealing with anxiety, depression, or some other mental health disorder.

• Can I talk to a counselor online for free?

It's possible to talk to a counselor online for free. Sometimes counselors offer a free consultation and that gives you a chance to see if you think the counselor will be helpful and if you can agree on payment terms. You should also consider that a reasonable price for counseling is well worth saving your relationship.

• Do marriage counselors ever suggest divorce?

Whether you broke up on good terms, you're in the friend zone, or you feel like you're best friends, marriage counselors typically won't suggest divorce. They'll work with each partner to help them explore their feelings and give them tools to help them build a new relationship. Just because the word divorce comes up in conversations, it doesn't necessarily mean that's where things will end up. You'll make the decision about whether to rekindle your marriage or divorce on your own terms.

If there are signs of physical violence, your counselor may insist on a no contact rule until everyone can be safe.

• How do you fix a broken relationship?

If you're looking for signs that your relationship is broken, two of the biggest signs are separation and disconnection. When both people fail to pay attention to the relationship and you can't even find an excuse to talk anymore, your relationship is in jeopardy. It won't help to complain about it on social media. Break ups are hard. One way to start fixing a broken relationship is to focus on communication. Set up regular times for phone calls where you can talk without distraction. You might also try to start dating again. Set up something fun or romantic and focus on enjoying good conversation and really pay attention to each other. It may help to save the relationship before your partner becomes your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend.

• What to do when you can't afford couples therapy?

First, don't rule it out until you've exhausted every effort of finding a therapist that's affordable. Some therapists will take a few appointments pro bono and some will charge on an affordable sliding scale. If that doesn't work, check your community resources to see what's available. If you have a regular place of worship, your religious leader may be able to offer you free counseling services or tell you how to access them in another way.

• When should you consider couples counseling?

If you're a guy that wants to be more than mutual friends after a break up, it's a great sign if your ex girlfriend is willing to consider going to couples counseling. Counseling is for couples that are struggling in their relationship and it's also for couples that want to improve their existing relationship and make it even better.

• Who pays for couples counseling?

Generally, you or your partner will pay for couples counseling. Your health insurance provider may have a plan to pay for therapeutic services.

• What are good couples questions?

A good question that a counselor might ask is whether you have a long distance relationship, which can be very hard on relationships. If that's the case, it may be that you're wondering about whether your partner has been unfaithful or is dating someone new. A therapist can help you find ways to trust each other and deal with jealousy.

Your counselor may be interested to know if you got together on the grounds of a rebound relationship, whether you broke up on good terms, and how bad the post breakup was. A counselor can help you get closure on past relationships and help your emotions heal.

Therapy Is Personal

Therapy is a personal experience, and not everyone will go into it seeking the same things. But, keeping these nine things in mind can ensure that you will get the most out of online therapy, regardless of what your specific goals are.

If you're still wondering if therapy is right for you, and how much therapy costs, please contact us at contact@betterhelp.com. BetterHelp specializes in online therapy to help address all types of mental health concerns. If you're interested in individual therapy, please reach out to contact@betterhelp.com. For more information about BetterHelp as a company, please find us on

If you need a crisis hotline or want to learn more about therapy, please see below:

For more information on mental health, please see:

• SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) SAMHSA Facebook, SAMHSA Twitter, SAMHSA LinkedIn, SAMHSA Youtube
• Mental Health America, MHA Twitter, MHA Facebook, MHA Instagram, MHA Pinterest
• WebMD, WebMD Facebook, WebMD Twitter, WebMD Instagram, WebMD Pinterest
• NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health), NIMH Instagram, NIMH Facebook, NIMH Twitter, NIMH YouTube
• APA (American Psychiatric Association), APA Twitter, APA Facebook, APA LinkedIN, APA Instagram

Is It Possible That He Will Come Back

Source: https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/do-exes-come-back-or-is-it-just-wishful-thinking/